Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
