she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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