If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
