Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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