My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
