She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
