No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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