He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
