the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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