He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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