I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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