we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
