u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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