people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
