i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Ladies don't puke and tell
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Randomize
