we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
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