I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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