I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
May the power of my ass compel you!!
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
