Cold hands, warm shart.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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