sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Randomize