I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
