I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
