community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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