someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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