Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I deserve this hangover.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
