tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
We got so high we made milksteak
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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