I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize