I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
