my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
