She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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