You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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