I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
So much rum. So many feels.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
