It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
