i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
