My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
