I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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