In the future we'll all be gay
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
