I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
