I'm lost and stupid without you.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
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