okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Randomize
