So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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