i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
