Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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