Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
God gave him joint rollers for hands
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Randomize
