I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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