i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
