I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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