6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
