Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
