The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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