I'm sorry my penis didn't work
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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