Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
areolas are like halos for boobs.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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