the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
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