My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize