Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
