i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
