yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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