I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
that is very illegal...i love you.
the raccoons are back...
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