This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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