So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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