On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
