I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize
