Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
