the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
