Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize